quinta-feira, 31 de dezembro de 2015

• Kiitos!

When I was recently in their country, one thing I’ve appreciated about finns was that they usually say “Kiitos” when they are getting out of the bus where they had been traveling.

It’s such a sweet behaviour! I always looked at it as finns were thinking that bus drivers are angels who have the mission of bringing them safely to their destination.

And besides, I love so much the sound of this finnish magic word, “Kiitos”!… So cuddly it sounds!... As also that word, “Mitä”, which I've also heard so often in their mouths.

Every time I have heard them said “Kiitos”, I wandered even if the bus driver would listen to them. I reckon it’s not important if bus drivers listen or not. People still say “Kiitos”, anyway. So they can have their consciences clean.

I’ve had several bus trips in Finland. Never alone. Always with the companionship of my personal angel, a second one besides the regular bus driver. Second but the most important one.

And not only bus trips but also tram, expresso bus, train, metro and ferry trips. And rides on private cars. All this thanks to my personal angel. To whom I must say “Aitäh”. Always and forever.

Aitäh, because I’ve got from this angel of mine this above described “full package and services”. But it was not for free.

I had to get there, in Finland, in the first place. And I’ll have to pay that in the next months or even years. Perhaps with slave work. And if I even have the chance to get it. But that I knew it before deciding my departure. It was and still is a risk I gladly took. My angel had often invited me to go and meet her. How could I think twice then?...

"I need you here by my side", she repeatedly told me... Until I could not hold myself back anymore. Any arguments of mine to not going seemed like excuses I invented to myself.

I looked at my credit card and said to myself, what the heck, this is going to be useful for something. If needed, I'm going to spend my available sold like there is no tomorrow. I know, it's a very foolish way to act and think...

I also gave this angel my time. More than a month of my life. But that I got back as well. With large interests. Although, I missed some fine opportunities to make my life more sustainable by not staying in my country, Portugal.

I tried to help this angel, whenever possible. We were both cleaning lady and sir, sometimes. Finn house owners seem to see in my angel a great human being. But I doubt if they really know her immense value, like I do.

I went with her to some direct selling companies events, too. On which I was not of great help, because I felt somehow reluctant to give my time to these. I was there not totally available to other people, as it would be supposed of me to behave.

I went also to some social events. To gatherings at some friends houses. Where despite of always had been welcome by people, I felt sometimes uncomfortable. Because I was for some rare moments separated from this personal angel of mine. And had to share her attention with others. When in a selfish way I would like to have all her time to me.

I’d like to escape with her to a desert island, just the two of us. But I reckon it would be asking too much. I don’t have the power or the merit to ask or desire that.

And besides, I don’t know if the Helsinki bus card that she said for me to keep it - in case I would be able to use it one day in the future - if its credits will be worth for anything on any of the hundreds of desert small islands of Finland. Or that idyllic small country to the south across the Baltic sea.

Someone wrote "givers have to set limits because takers never do". I know how takers behave. I’m a taker, as well. But at least as a taker I know how to be grateful. I often say “Kiitos” to my givers. And when I’m one of those, a giver too, I don’t set limits while I have still anything of mine to give.

Unfortunately for myself, I'm a poor man. Like Saint Joseph, the father of Christ, was too. The financial resources that were available for me to put my hands on sold out too quickly. Due to some several bus and train trips. That I didn't foresee it in advance, before my arrival at this mythical Vantaa airport.

To my angel I have been every since my first day in the land of the thousand lakes a burden. As far as our food supplies were concerned, she always was doing the major efforts to buy these. But there was more expenses which my presence in her daily life brought to her.

I purchased my Lisbon-Helsinki two-way flight ticket with a return date that would allow me to pay the least as possible. Still in Lisbon, my almost random choice was November, the 10th. I calculated all my money would last for staying about a month.

We thought afterwards, while I was already in Lahti, of changing this return date to some day after this last Christmas, at the most. But this change would cost me an amount of money that wouldn't be available to me anymore. Not to mention that my angel would be forced to spend more and more resources with me, as well as her. And this angel is not a rich one, either.

I had to leave my angel to stay alone, once again. This was hard for me to do but even more for her to accept. The expectations I raised on her about me were defrauded. That's a thing she has never forgive me. And she's completely right.

I suffer from being apart from her. But that's nothing compared to what she has been standing for. Nothing. I feel like being this self-assumed monster mentioned by the divine Clarice Lispector, this wonderful mixture of a member of a Lithuanian Jewish family, born in Ukraine, raised and lived most of her life as a Brazilian citizen.

I have my moods, that’s right. Everybody has them. U2, my sweetest angel. And I won’t say anything more about it.

You say you’re not a thing to be thrown away. It's only fair. No one is. I’d like to think neither am I.

Aitäh, kallis ingel. I feel I must have went out of the bus now. But I don’t know where I am. Or where to go from here. Anyway, I will figure it out alone. One more time.

I’ve had one of the most happy semesters of my life, ending at the same time as this year of 2015. Kiitos!

Kiitos, as well, for the inspiration you gave me to write these pathetic lines today and some of the posts since the end of June. And a New Year is knocking at the door, already.

I wish at least we could stay good friends in 2016. But I'm afraid my words - any words that I may pronounce, whatsoever - will not be understood no more.

The monster that I am is going to start to ask his forgiveness directly to the gods. Not to angels. I often used to say I am an angel too. Now, I've been expelled from paradise. I'm the only one to blame. And that's not the first time it happens.

Should this be what christians call an "Act of Contrition"?... Well, this is me. This is my wonderland. This is my life.

terça-feira, 29 de dezembro de 2015

• Lõpuks*

And my hiding place is you. Even when you're hiding from me. And me, I can't hide from you. You are always in my mind. Always will be.

Eventually, in estonian. It can have in this language other meanings also, like finally, ultimately, at last, in the end, lastly.

domingo, 27 de dezembro de 2015

• Can't buy me love

Tell me that you want the kind of thing
that money just can't buy
I don't care too much for money, 
money can't buy me love
A famous lyrics by the Fabulous Four

This will be me being too naif, writing a post in this blog at 2 o'clock of a saturday to sunday evening, after this last Christmas, almost at the end of this good year, not being able to sleep properly, with my mind full of wandering thoughts...

That money can't buy us love, that much is true. However, those who will say it can’t buy happiness are sooooo wrong!…

I had to give up on my happiness because of lack of money. 

I was living with you, being happy like hell, just by being able to watch you working with your Mac on your desk. You with your back turned on me. Me sitting on our angry bed just watching you, peacefully, and playing a game on my smartphone.

Doing time, waiting for when it would be time for us to go to sleep. Or go out for a walk. Or some work assignment. Or when it would be the time for cooking or improvising a simple meal for both of us.

Oh, how our meals were all of them simply divine... It's even difficult for me to enjoy now eating the very same food I always had been used to eat all my life!...

In those moments we were all alone the two of us, I enjoyed mostly to watch you sitting on your chair, with your two feet with those so cute socks with floral Muhu patterns, barely touching the floor…

We were so happy back then!… And now, neither you nor me, we don’t have the enough amount of money to live again those lovely moments.

Love, there’s plenty of that between us, I think. Happiness, no. Just because of the damn money thing!…

We should had been together this Christmas!!!... If there is fairness in this world... We should had taken a cup of your wonderful glõgi the two of us, staring at each other's eyes.

We need this bloody damn money to be happy because we are separated by these 3,417 km, or something like that. And to make things worse, the world today is more and more denying chances to earn money by increasing shortage of job opportunities. In a worldwide basis nowadays, I think.

In a world today, where people can get together starting from living very far away from each other in the first place, there should be created some means to make the 21st century love affairs could be much more sustainable.

This pursuit of happiness by these new kind of couples in love should be a major concern for all mankind. Mostly for those who can have the destiny of our planet in their hands.

In the seventies in last century, in a time it seemed the world could allow itself to dream more than today, there was a slogan that goes like this: “No to gross domestic product. Yes to gross national happiness.”.

I wish "your" angels could listen to my words, if they ever want to pay attention to this fool that I am... You talk to them too, please. They will surely listen to you more.

I'll try to get some sleep now...

To hear this post’s original soundtrack (ost), click here, please. But not by the Fabulous Four this time...

Note: This is the second time I write a post in this blog about money. The first time was this another post, a very old one, here.

quarta-feira, 23 de dezembro de 2015

• Minu isiklik jõulukaart*

A essência da arte é estar apaixonado,
é de facto a melhor essência.
Se eu não estivesse sempre apaixonado,
até por aquilo que eu não sei que estou,
estaria morto.”
Artur Bual
pintor, escultor e ceramista

Este anno da graça de dois mil e quinze ainda não findou mas eu já posso dizer que até ao dia de hoje estou a viver um dos melhores semestres da minha existência.

E neste Natal, à falta do meu primeiro desejo de todos, o plano B do que eu gostaria de pedir a Papai Noel era…

…uma varanda envidraçada com vista sobre o mar da serenidade, onde eu me pudesse encontrar sozinho, bem a sós comigo mesmo, com a alma ao abrigo de ventos e marés, e com tempo para estar apenas a escrever memórias e sentimentos ainda frescos. 

Com todas as minhas necessidades básicas e vitais satisfeitas e ainda com um chá quentinho, a toda a hora. De vários sabores e aromas.

É bem provável que não haja nem plano A e nem B neste meu Natal. Mas ao menos estou apaixonado.

E por quem esta old soul que eu sou sabe bem que está.

E por isso, desejo a todos os que lerem estas linhas - e aos que as não lerem também - que tenham não um FELIZ NATAL apenas mas sobretudo um Natal em que se apaixonem. De verdade. Tanto ou mais do que eu. Se para tanto tiverem engenho. E arte.

Assim é este o meu postal de Natal para todos vós, mortais.

* O meu postal de Natal, num dos dois principais idiomas da família das línguas fino-bálticas.

segunda-feira, 14 de dezembro de 2015

• Renascer

Eu já me apaixonei muitas vezes nesta minha actual existência. Tantas que já julgava que não o voltaria a fazer. Assim p’ra valer, mesmo!

Depois de ter sobrevivido a este último lustre, estava crente que já teria perdido essa capacidade. Mas não. Parece que não.

Renasci. Voltei a viver. Sei que posso me apaixonar de novo.

Nestes anos depois do traumático fim da minha última relação, até que tive outras paixões antes desta. Mas nunca houve aquela sensação de que poderia me entregar por inteiro.

E posso reconhecer até que nunca fiz essa entrega de mim sem reservas antes. Em nenhuma das relações que tive. Não quero ser ingrato com quem fez o favor de se apaixonar por mim também, mas… Nunca foi como agora.

Tu mostraste-me que ainda estou vivo. Que posso voltar a sentir o coração bater. Eu estava dentro do buraco e tu tiraste-me de lá.

Mas apesar de tudo o que aconteceu, o cepticismo que tenho em mim próprio não pôde deixar agora de me fazer questionar… A tua missão comigo será apenas isto?… Não! Não, não pode ser, pelos deuses todos de todos os Olimpos!…

Eu fui ao teu encontro como uma fuga para a frente. Porque me desafiaste a ir. Porque vi no teu desafio a minha última oportunidade para ser feliz. E porque havia uma ligeira hipótese de poder ser algo que ia ser para sempre.

Não foi. Eu não consegui ficar contigo mais tempo do que umas escassas quatro ou cinco luas. Por incompetência minha. Mas foi o tempo mais que suficiente para desejar da próxima vez ser eterno. Assim o queiramos e consigamos ambos.

Querer, eu creio que o queremos na mesma medida os dois. Outra história será consegui-lo. E a nossa paciência para esperar anda a ser duramente testada.

Pelo meu lado, já me terão levado a fazer esta introspecção: e se não for ainda contigo que ficarei até ao fim dos meus dias? E se alguma das minhas antigas paixões renascer de cinzas que se supõe ainda não totalmente frias? Se um de nós desistir de esperar, serei capaz sequer de me apaixonar de novo?

Capaz, acho que serei. Tu despertaste-me para a beleza que sempre continuou a existir neste mundo mas a que eu estava cego. Mas…

…Eu não quero. Eu quero-te a ti. Porque te vejo como o único ser neste mundo que pode coexistir comigo até ao meu último suspiro. Eu sei que mais ninguém o consegue. E eu só queria que visses em mim o mesmo para ti. E talvez vejas.

Foi bonita a harmonia que tão espontaneamente nasceu entre nós os dois. Foi algo que nunca vivi antes. Todas as nossas promessas se cumpriram. Nós não podemos de todo viver sem abraços.

E só nós dois somos assim em todo este planeta Terra!...

Nós dois juntos é uma ideia que o universo tem de acarinhar. Que os teus anjos - oxalá um dia meus também - deviam nos conceder.

Assim o espero. Assim o merecemos ambos. Porque somos grandes. Porque poderíamos ensinar o nosso exemplo ao mundo inteiro. E para um mundo melhor estaríamos todos caminhando.

segunda-feira, 7 de dezembro de 2015

• Mõnikord*

Sometimes I despise everyone else in the world. Everyone else but you, girl. You can be my last chance of a safe harbour.

Because you are the only one with whom I can talk to. Even if we don't agree on everything and we don’t think alike about any subject whatsoever, we still understand each other quite perfectly.

I despise people because they often don’t seem to give use to all the faculties our Creator made us with. Mainly intelligence. And its most valuable kind, sensitiveness.

But us two, we are not like everyone else. We are truly very old souls.

That’s why it feels so good when we are together. Doing anything whatsoever. Even doing nothing. But together. Feeling the presence of one another.

We have had this life experience lately. During a whole month and a few more days.

Now that we are once again separated by this distance which seems like between the earth and the moon, I live my days supported by the memories of all the moments we had together. And I feel my heart warmed by these.

I think you sometimes can be afraid that this 3,349 km distance might lead our feelings towards each other to freeze or decay in time. Well, I don’t think so…

We have a lot to learn from one another still. We should be back living together one day. The harmony that we have found to exist when we are side by side cannot be wasted. The gods cannot allow this to be just an ephemerous happening. No.

We have just started to love each other. We have a lot to give one another. We are the unemployed angel of one another.

* Sometimes, in estonian.

quarta-feira, 25 de novembro de 2015

• My personal Apollo-Soyuz mission (part II)

Sa ütlesid mulle ühel päeval, et sa ei ela Kuul. See palju on tõsi*. 

But it was not easy for me to have gone towards you. It was hard. In spite of all my reservations, I went anyway. And, as I expected, my doubts have disappeared. All of them.

I know today what I want in my life. And I know what has to be my main goal. It’s still hard. But that’s the only goal I want to pursue. I want to be happy like only you showed me it is possible in this world to be so.

And I'm ready to pay any price. Even to live forever on the moon, just the two of us, alone on the margins of our lake, when it will be frozen and the sun won't be seen but for a few hours a day.

If it will be with you, I don't care about anything else.

Only with you I feel we both rise up to be these love divinities, like Shiiva and Parvati.

Girl, maybe there's a mission we both have to accomplish together. We have to show this world the meaning and practice of true love.

Us two, we are of the very rare people on earth to have discovered that faraway territory. That's our legacy to mankind. 

* Translation: You told me the other day that you don't live on the moon. That much is true.

quarta-feira, 18 de novembro de 2015

• Minä sinua rakastan

I knew how it would be before it happened. I learned how it is in real life. I'm sure that now it will be forever. Regardless of the turns that this world does or will have to do.

I feel the power of this love every single hour of my days. Like never before in this life of mine. Like her, I'm free to be me.

Let’s listen to a song, clicking here

sábado, 17 de outubro de 2015

• Vocês sabem lá!...

Esqueçam lá isso do amor!… Vocês não sabem o que isso é.

O amor é cair na mais doce armadilha do destino. Virar uma vida já bem vivida, de mais de cinquenta anos, completamente do avesso. E recomeçar quase do zero a viver, como um recém-nascido mas com a bagagem de toda a existência passada já adquirida. E sentir que esse lastro de repente para nada serve.

Cair nos braços de quem amamos e que nos ama na mesma medida. A toda a hora do dia. Isso é o amor.

Amor que está nos mais pequenos detalhes. No grito soltado da alma no átrio de um aeroporto, no primeiro dos milhares de abraços que se lhe seguiram. Nos olhares que se cruzam e que despertam letargias. Nas mãos que não se largam nas ruas. No estar a não fazer nada senão a curtir juntos um momento solarengo dum dia nas margens de um lago num clima frio.

No orgulho que sentimos por ser aquele companheiro do outro. Daquele outro com o qual tudo faz sentido. Aquele outro cuja simples voz é música sacra. Aquele outro em que vemos seus pés sempre como que dançando sobre o chão que pisa.

Se a nada disto se aproxima o que vós sentis ou sois capazes de fazer, perdoai-me mas vocês não souberam o que é amar ainda.

Armastus. Pudéssemos todos nós aprender outras formas de como se diz Amor.  E este seria um mundo perfeito.

sexta-feira, 25 de setembro de 2015

• Noi due...

Penso che potremmo guardare cosi bene quando facciamo questi personaggi dei fumetti o cartoni animati al cinema… 

Arachidi*, li chiamano in inglese. Strano… Ma i nostri avatar guardiano così divertente, non è vero?…  ;-)

Mi piace chiamare “girl”. Ed è quello che lei sembra qui davvero. Una bellissima ragazza, con un cuore e un'anima che molto bene corrisponde alla sua bellezza.

Sono un ragazzo molto fortunato... E dovremmo fare una bella coppia.

* Peanuts. It's a movie...

sexta-feira, 18 de setembro de 2015

• Reincarnations

I had a dream. Some moments before my next reincarnation I will have a dialogue that goes something like this:

The boss:   You’re going to get down under once more. Don’t despair and please bear in mind that it might take some years, fifty more or less, for you to meet the other one.

Me:   See on okei, ma tean, et see on väärt ootamist.

domingo, 23 de agosto de 2015

• O meu primeiro filme

Desculpar-me-ei por falar a até celebrar algo cedo demais… Mas este será o meu primeiro filme. E a coisa já a modos que começou.

Na sexta-feira passada, com um calor de suar as estopinhas, vi-me por breves instantes dentro dum uniforme semelhante ao do General Gomes da Costa, talvez o principal mentor do que viria a ser a funesta revolução de 28 de maio de 1926. 

Para quem não souber bem quem é este personagem da História nas conturbadas primeiras duas décadas da então novel República Portuguesa, é o espécimen mais à direita - metaforicamente falando, quiçá até… - no triunvirato (troika?) da foto acima.

Agora, até que o filme se produza e venha a estar em exibição em salas, para quem quiser, é só imaginar o je dentro duma farpela semelhante. Cá para mim já valeu só a prova da roupa que fiz. E eu sei que ainda é muito pouco para celebrar. Mas… Estou contente!, como dizia a outra maluca.

Embora sendo um pacifista, julgo que fico bem naquele uniforme. Há sempre algo de inevitavelmente mágico quando nos vemos na pele de um personagem bem diferente de nós próprios. E se evocamos algo de histórico, ainda mais mágico é.

Não é também nada cheio de muito glamour, como os uniformes dos oficiais dos exércitos de Mussolini ou os de Napoleon Bonaparte, do século anterior... Como eu estaria à espera. Quando me falaram dum filme histórico, fui logo sonhando com épocas mais recuadas do que os anos vinte. De qualquer modo, valeuzão!... Como dizem os contemporâneos  tupiniquins na Pindorama.

Ainda não sabendo praticamente nada sobre a trama deste filme, espero que este venha a ser como que um remake de “A Revolução de Maio”. Algo que vá reescrever a história de um modo diverso do que a propaganda da Ditadura Militar - mais tarde Ditadura Nacional ou Estado Novo, com a hegemonia ideológica do nosso velho conhecido bota-de-elástico - o fez.

Tempos sombrios foram estes, os dos anos vinte do século passado. Mas ao menos havia uma preocupação arreigada - em ambos os lados antagónicos das ideologias políticas nascentes, de direita e de esquerda - com o progresso das sociedades e das pessoas. E não tanto com a sobrevivência deste capitalismo selvagem e do poder do dinheiro e dos bancos. Como hoje há, quase cem anos depois…

Agradou-me esta oportunidade que me surgiu assim de repente. Agora espero é que um dia ainda venha não a interpretar alguém que contribuiu para a implantação do regime fascista português mas antes alguém que faça um certo contraponto. 

Alguém para mim ainda envolto em mistério mas que me fascina uma beka: Enver Hoxha. O antigo pequeno grande líder da orgulhosamente só - onde é que eu já ouvi isto?... - Albânia socialista. Semeador de bunkers ao longo da sua costa do Adriático. Tal como os russos, à mesma época histórica, pós Segunda Guerra Mundial, fizeram em Saaremaa, na Estónia ocupada. Cuja imagem divulgo aqui ao lado, nos seus 33 aninhos. E com um uniformezito catita, quase, quase parecido ao “meu”, curiosamente...

sábado, 1 de agosto de 2015

• E vão dez!…

Ontem cheguei a uma contabilidade de telenovelas em que participei que vai passar a ser com dois dígitos.

Nada de mais, muitas outras pessoas poderão gabar-se do mesmo ou bem mais. Mas em pouco menos de ano e meio - comecei nestas andanças apenas em Março do ano passado - e com um interregno em que me dediquei à animação turística não me parece mal e bem melhor do que eu esperaria de início.

Em várias destas dez telenovelas tenho mesmo diversas ocasiões ou episódios em que intervenho em cada uma destas. 

Depois da última entrada neste diário das minhas actuações, que vou repartindo em posts nos meus três blogs, e que correspondeu à minha premiére na telenovela “Santa Bárbara”, já fiz um repeteco para a mesma trama. Que foi o caso de uma cena num funeral filmado no cemitério de Palmela. Numa tarde de uma  canícula que se revelou um pouco penosa de suportar.

Desta segunda vez na “Santa Bárbara” já não houve a participação especial de Joaquim d’Almeida, esse monstro sagrado junto do qual estive no salão nobre do Museu Geológico de Lisboa. Mas tudo bem. Se calhar ainda estou reservado para contracenar um dia destes com Sir Anthony Hopkins. Quem sabe..

Fui contabilizando também já cinco participações em “A Única Mulher”, como um tal de membro do conselho de administração da Sacramento, S.A., tendo sido a última vez (até à data) nesta semana que findou. 

Nas “Poderosas” já lá vão quatro participações… Mas tudo coisas menores. A última, também esta semana que agora acaba, para variar não foi no Bar Rocha’s mas na cantina social da Maria João Luís. 

Ontem, sexta-feira, chegou a vez de “Coração d'Ouro”. A minha tal décima telenovela. Que só deve estrear nas pantalhas na rentrée, em Setembro, na SIC. E é isto… 

Pode ser que o título desta trama seja algo premonitório para o meu futuro, no campo sentimental… Estou a viver este último mês de Julho algo inusitado mas intenso.

Mas voltando aos ditos "pós de palco", tenho de arranjar algo mais substancial. Até agora isto tudo tem sido mais um hobby que outra coisa… O que era catita era fazer um filme. E já agora, um que fosse um blockbuster. Ou no mínimo, um anúncio publicitário em que eu protagonizasse…

Não por uma ambição de querer vir a ser uma film star. Não senhor. Não sou assim. Quero tão somente sobreviver disto. Para continuar a frequentar estúdios e sets de filmagens exteriores. Cada vez me sinto mais a deixar de ser preciso ou vocacionado para outras áreas. Mas nesta tenho ainda muito para dar. 

Ingenuamente - ou talvez não - assim sigo pensando.

domingo, 26 de julho de 2015

• Vajan sind

I just woke up this sunday morning with this thought… I love you. And more than that, I need you.

I’m used to be quite independent. But now that I know you, I want you by my side one day. Because besides loving the human being that you are, I also need you. I could love you not needing you but I do.

I need you to stare at the things I love and love them even more. I need you to make my dreams become ours. I need you to care for you. I need you to make my life more meaningful. I think even I need you to hug you. To kiss you. To cuddle with you. To meditate by your side. And to have this courage to go where I have never been.

Having this thoughts after I was well awake, a curious impulse led me to try to find the lyrics of a song in your mother language, the very first song in your language I’ve shared with you on our messages. A song you said its title was curious. As well.

So, here’s that song’s lyrics. Curious words, I thought, these ones who are going to follow… 

Külm on liiv sel kuumal päeval,
päikest näen, kuid ta ei anna sooja
ning sinuga on mul täpselt samad lood.

Miks juhtus nii, lisasid sa sammu,
järgi sul enam ma ei jõudnud.
Kas alati peab minema kõik nii?

Ma olen väsind sellest jooksmisest,
kuid puhata ei taha.
Olen segaduses, kuid ma tean,
et üht ainult vajan.

Vajan sind
Kui seiklen omapäi
Vajan sind
Kui pea vaid ringi käib
Ainult sind
Siis kuum ja külm on üheskoos
Vajan sind
Kui ennast otsin ma
Vajan sind
Kui kiskjana end tunnen ma
Ainult sind
Siis öö võib päevaks muutuda.

Tähed ees ei anna asu,
kas üksi neid vaadata mul tasub?
Minuga on kummalised lood.

Ma vaatan sind ja ei suuda mõista,
kus olid kõik need pikad aastad,
kuid nüüd ma tean, on loodud sulle laul.

Lõpuks jõudnud kohale ja tean,
et nii ma kõike tahan.
Üle kõige selles maailmas
ma üht ainult vajan..

 - “Vajan Sind”, song by Renate

To hear this post’s original soundtrack, click here, please.

sábado, 25 de julho de 2015

• Santa, I want a learjet

Every time that you let go you are over there, feeling lonely… It hurts me. My heart starts to bleed a little.

I’m over here, lonely too. But not as lonely as you may be. I have my dear ones close to me. You don’t. And I’m more used to be lonesome. For much more time than you by now. It has been years for me, not just months.

You say you hate small talk. So do I. It’s hard to find someone to whom we, you or me, can feel comfortable and interested on talking with.

I was lucky to having been found a few good souls with whom I have been feeling not so alone. All along these almost five years after me and my ex-wife having break up, I have been experiencing like having some companionship. By the same way we met, online-made acquaintances.

I have gained several new good friendships. With some I have even jumped to the next level. I have met them in real life. But with no one I have had more than a fine friendship. With none I allowed myself to start dreaming of more than that. And I think I finally know why today. Because of what you make me be awaken to.

I haven’t allowed myself to start dreaming of a life together with some of my good friends that I could well turn out to love one day because… None of them was or is a dreamer like I am. Or you are. Dear…

None of them was or is a truly free spirit like I am. Or you are, girl.

You told me this afternoon you were reading this blog, once more. Going back to things that I have written all these years. Going back to things always more ancient than the last ones you read. And so on.

You made me go and read also my own words. To check on those things I said once but could not anymore be totally agreeing. It happens with minds like my own. And I suppose with your own too.

I could not find anything that I am now significantly in disagreeance. And specially on the myth about my future wife that I have once created. That myth seems to fit on you. Like a glove.

I joked with you about choosing the colour of our private learjet. To get the geographic distance between us - 3439 km, as the crow flies, more or less - now more bearable. And despite you were a bit sad, you didn’t told me “Stop it!!”. You could but you didn't. Instead, you started to live that joke with me. So naturally. You see, we are this kind of buddies.

Ma armastan sind. How could I not?…

quinta-feira, 9 de julho de 2015

• Järsku*

Järsku silmapiiril on muutunud. Mis siis, kui sa tegelikult oled üks?... 
Ja mis siis, kui ma olen sinu jaoks liiga?… 

Ma arvasin, et olen selleks valmis. Kuid selle asemel ma tunnen, ujuvad õhus sees anti-gravitatsiooni kambris.

* Suddenly, in estonian.

sexta-feira, 3 de julho de 2015

• How it always should be

How it always should be when two people fall in love and choose each other to live together for the rest of their days. This is, in summary, today’s theme. But first, a little preamble...

In the long time gone year of 1650, a portuguese noble, D. Francisco Manuel de Mello, at the time arrested in prison, - some say because he felt in love to a countess who was the king’s mistress - wrote in a couple of months a treaty about life in matrimony. Thinking of another noble, friend of him, who had some doubts about how to always be happy in his recent marriage. This homely philosophy book would be named the “Carta de Guia de Casados”, which in english would be “Guide Letter to Married People”.

Today I’d like to unveil here in my blog an excellent article that I found  by chance! A perfect update to our days of this famous book, written according to the moral values of the 17th century, which at our present time would arouse a few (many) smiles. 

This article describes what - in my fair opinion, very similar to the one of the author - love relationships ideally should be. And I think it meant a lot to me while I was reading it also because of some enlightenment a fresh new friend of mine has brought me these last days, not being aware of it. 

This article was originally in portuguese. I took the trouble to translate it here to english, in order for it to reach a larger number of people around this world. So, here goes…

The New Energy and love relationships

We can see that more and more people have had difficulties in finding partners to share their lives.

Love relationships between couples are going through a big change.

Individuals are undergoing a major transformation. But many are still unaware of this, and are looking for relationships as they tried once, based on romanticism, depending on the control.

This type of relationship is based on fear and illusion. And all that is in the power of illusion and fear will no longer be able to sustain.

It's time to realize that each of us is an individual who has his own needs, which can not be met each other, but that must be met by ourselves, creating our own reality.

The other, our fellow traveler is someone who is there beside us simply giving support to our journey of self knowledge, he loves us unconditionally and is there beside us with everything he is also, so that we can know best and love the most. So one is the biggest supporter of the other to find their own essence.

A companion is someone who is there simply witnessing you giving your steps toward what you really came to BE on earth.

He honors you for everything that you are. Feeling no need whatsoever to control your life.

So one is for the other a witness present, and one and the other can go on rediscovering and building what we can call the three dimensions of heaven on earth.

Also note: it is not necessary that you find a person who likes whatever you also like, who is exactly like you, and that has the same search in life. True love includes accepting and respecting differences, realizing that the other can be exactly as he/she is, and it does not prevent you from being who you are. You are the one who needs to learn to get in touch with your personal power and support your choices in your life, do what drives you, what gives you joy of living. The other will do what is important to him/her. And one can indeed learn from the living to love more and more himself. Then love will be more and more intense in the relationship itself.

It is necessary to release the control of ego illusions, requirements, romanticism-based relationship.

We need to drop the conquest of the other, which is not an animal to be trapped in your bait.

One must realize that what you demand so much is already in himself, and will never find it on someone else.

Relationships based on primary needs create dependency, trap the being, cause suffering.

You must understand that you are not a victim of the world but yourself create these relationships suffering for your own.

There are other possibilities available. Open up to them.

Source: Penso Positivo Movement website (in portuguese)

quarta-feira, 17 de junho de 2015

• Miragens de amor

Jamais vou querer um dia mais quem me cumule com rápidas juras de amor. Quem me fale levianamente de amor eterno. Quem me afirme da boca para fora que irá atrás de mim até ao fim do mundo, se eu encetar passos para me afastar.

E de resto, não há perigo que isso aconteça outra vez. Sinto-me hoje o melhor homem que eu alguma vez fui, em toda a minha vida. Mas estou cansado. Um pouco gasto por uma existência que se vai arrastando demasiado tempo em solitário.

O que é um crime de lesa-natureza. Quando eu sei que há por aí tanta gente que me procura. Que anseia por uma companhia tal qual a minha pode ser.

Mas o facto é que só há-de querer e poder estar a meu lado para sempre quem se esteja tanto nas tintas para tudo como eu estou.

Haverá outro ser assim tão livre quanto eu nesta terra? Tão leve, tão desapegado quanto eu mesmo? E já agora, belo… Como eu também, uma vez mais, me vejo… 

Haverá alguém, que para além disso venha a desejar cegamente correr até mim? Ou quem me ordene que eu corra para junto dela, com urgência?…

Conservar esta doce ilusão que pode existir alguém que encaixe neste retrato-robot é que me alimenta a alma. Este é o meu combustível hoje. A minha fonte de energia. E já percebi que é renovável. Graças aos deuses… Tem os seus ciclos altos e baixos, é certo. Mas é definitivamente renovável.

segunda-feira, 8 de junho de 2015

• Nobody

These fresh thoughts that I will share today here are in the sequence of something that I wrote back a year and a half ago, on this post of another blog of mine.

Basically, what led me to write that post was this idea:

I’ve never lived alone in my 54 years old life. I’m divorced for almost 5 years by now. And since the end of my last relationship, I haven't met anyone in this whole real or online worlds who might be ready for a total commitment, like the one where I'm willing to give myself entirely to a new love of mine.

There has been no significant evolution of my status since then. There’s still nobody in my life. But today - not caring at all that this day is not a new year’s eve - I took this resolution:

I’ll try to find the craziest female in this world. Because only her will be able to cope with me. Only her will want to stay by my side until the end, taking good care of me as well as being spoiled by all the love i keep inside to dedicate her one day.

The last girl who loved me seemed at first, in the very first years of our life in common, to be crazy enough. But one fine day she has ceased to be so. Or she never was, in the first place. Or she simply grew up. While I stayed or even developped to a higher level the child I have deep inside me. That little demon...

As little as my hopes to find the craziest female in this world may currently be, they still breathe. She might show up one day, in the middle of a foggy morning. She might be now reading these lines. So, for her here I’ll state some previous words of advice…

I’m not a so called “family-oriented”. I’m more the kind of being totally and exclusively “my-girl-oriented”. I want someone who will make me feel no need to have any other friends.

I’m not financially stable. I’m an artist. Or sort of. So, you may guess money in the bank and a successful career are not assets of mine.

I’m not “god fearing”, whatever that may mean. I’m a free spirit. And my religion is kindness, just like the Dalai Lama suggest us all.

So now, all this said, one may understand why I wish the craziest female in this world to be my future wife!…

domingo, 24 de maio de 2015

• Nowhere

Here where I stand, I have my heart full. Perhaps artificially, but anyway full. Perhaps too much full. Or in other words, full with too much passions.

I can’t complaint about that. And if I did, it would be about some overload. As for my body being loved…

That, a man can always fix, one way or another. if not in a truly lasting way, at least one can arrange that in a lasting enough manner. Temporarily and intensely enough.

Now, as for my soul being understood… That’s impossible.

Besides me being enormously unique, I don’t reveal my soul entirely. I can’t. So, how come could it be understood?…

Perhaps I had once in my past all three of these conditions reunited. But I could not believe things could move forward. To consolidate themselves. I saw it just as a temporary glimpse of what I should pursue. But with someone else. Someone who would be willing to engage in a commitment so strongly as I did. 

I’ve found my sister, recently. From whom I was lost, for so much time in my life. She’s a great cause for my heart to be full. If it wasn’t for her, today…
I seriously think I would fancy to be abducted by some alien spaceship. For a while. Or, who knows, for eternity and a day. Heading for that personal Nowhere of mine. It will take me an eternity to arrive there, that’s for sure…

domingo, 17 de maio de 2015

• Sono que andas sumido…

Diz-se que quando não conseguimos de todo dormir quando isso seria suposto, mesmo a meio da noite quando aquela sensação de sono desaparece e ficamos numa espertina danada... é porque estamos acordados nos sonhos de outro alguém. 

Há já muito tempo que as minhas noites são passadas em solitário. E ultimamente não consigo dormir para lá das 6 da manhã. Às vezes até tão só depois das 5 e meia... E o que me chateia é que às tantas no sonho de outra pessoa posso estar mesmo, mesmo, a dormir munta bem, que nem um anjo e em conchinha!...  ;-)

A natureza tem horror ao vazio, dizem também… Mas o facto é que o vazio da metade do leito onde durmo não se preenche por si só.

E no entanto, eu sou um homem bom, caramba! Tenho tanto para dar! E a mesmíssima sede de receber. E há por aí tanta alma dona de um corpo carente, de excelência tal como eu…

Eu sei. Eu conheço-as. Houve tempos em que duvidei que sequer existissem para valer. E que ninguém mais seria capaz de me amar tal como o fui e tal como eu sou. Mas isso já lá vai.

Há uns dias os meus olhos caíram em cima desta verdade:

“Dormir com alguém é a intimidade maior. Não é fazer amor.
Dormir, isso que é íntimo. Um homem dorme nos braços
de uma mulher e sua alma se transfere de vez.
Nunca mais ele encontra suas interioridades.”
 - Mia Couto        .

Eu partilhei o meu leito com alguém que me deixou uma dependência de dormir ao lado de outro corpo. Durante nove longos anos a fio. Com uma ou outra noite de interregno.

Ela não foi a minha esposa. Não oficialmente. Julguei que era minha namorada. Que iríamos eternizar essa nossa condição. Mas não foi o caso. Fomos também amantes um do outro, quiçá. Mas no final, às tantas não passámos talvez de uma longeva amizade colorida.

Essa derradeira consciência apoderou-se primeiro de uma das partes. Só muito mais tarde, e depois de seguirmos caminhos separados, eu também debutei a interiorizar isto. E o amor - se este chegou a fluir um dia, quando o frio do inverno em ambos os corações pedia abraços reconfortantes - teve entretanto o seu outrora viçoso caudal drasticamente diminuído. Como um oued num vale nas montanhas do Alto Atlas em pleno estio.

Tenho de ver se renasço das cinzas, uma vez mais. Não sei quantas vidas ainda me restam, mas… O meu coração está carregado. E não tenho medo de o usar.